I realize how horrible that sounds, and I've since cooled off, and no longer have the urge to inflict pain on my fellow blogging Christians. But at the time, I was very angry, as well as exhausted.
The previous two nights yielded very little sleep. Sophia woke up no fewer than 12 times in 13 hours. Both nights. Her longest stretch of sleep was just shy of two hours. Sometimes, she woke up multiple times in the same hour.
Sometime during the second night, I tried to distract myself from the frustration building inside of me by composing a blog post (in my head) regarding these nightly trials. And then I realized that I would never be able to publish such a post, because it would make me look like a bad Christian.
If someone is a believer in Christ, then the consequence of that should be that they become more like Christ. This should be evident in all aspects of their life, including on their blogs. And someone who is Christ-like wouldn't so easily lose her joy, peace, and patience over something as trivial as not getting enough sleep. And if she did lose her cool, she certainly wouldn't complain about in a public forum, because then she is no longer setting a Christ-like example.
I do think it is important for Christian bloggers to censor themselves and choose their words and topics carefully. But I also think that sometimes, Christian bloggers are trying so hard to look like good Christians that they forget that they need to be human too.
As a fellow Christian blogger, I don't want my blog to become a place where all I do is rant and rave. As I put it to my friend, nobody wants to read Prairie Girl Gone Negative. But I also don't want to (inadvertently) pretend that my life is all sunshine and rainbows, so that nobody can relate to me. I don't want to turn readers away because they think I have a perfect life, and they're jealous.
This is how I felt last week. I looked at all these beautiful Christian ladies with their beautiful blogs about their wonderful lives, and I got jealous. I felt like a bad mom and a bad Christian because my life didn't look like their seemingly-perfect lives. And I hate feeling that way.
I know that the jealousy thing is something I need to work on. And I'm not saying that Christian bloggers should make a habit of airing their dirty laundry. But sometimes, a mom needs to know that she's not the only one who doesn't have a perfect, happy, sleeping-through-the-night baby. I need to know that I'm not the only Christian woman who experiences occasional moments of such intense anger and frustration, that I want to scream, and cry, and pull my hair out.
I want my blog to be a place where others find joy and encouragement, but I also want it to be a place where people find relief because they know that they are not the only imperfect Christians/humans out there. It's a delicate balance that won't be easy to maintain. But that is my goal. And I hope that I can find other Christian blogs that offer both sides as well.
Don't worry, I'm not going to dump my entire blogroll and go in search of a completely new set of blogs. I also don't believe that my assessment of other Christian bloggers was entirely accurate. My exhaustion was causing me to overreact. It was short-lived and I have since become more rational and realistic.
Also, both Sophia and I have been sleeping much better since those two awful nights. I figured out what the problem was: her room was too cold! It was a simple solution of dressing her a little warmer at night. And now I feel silly for getting so upset. But all's well that ends well.
Anyway, these are the thoughts that have been swirling around my brain this past week. Also, kuddos to two real-life friends of mine (Kat and Mandi) who had the courage to blog about some less-than-stellar recent experiences.
In conclusion: I'm so thankful that God is always good because sometimes life isn't. And there is no shame in admitting that.
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