The End

When New Years Eve rolled around, nearly everyone of my Facebook friends put up post wishing everyone a Happy New Year, including themselves. As in, they were happy to say good-bye to 2011, and were hopeful that 2012 would be better. I don't know what it was, but I think 2011 was a hard year for so many people.

Or maybe I just paid more attention to those posts, because 2011 was a hard year for me too. For us as a family. I feel bad for saying that, because it should be the happiest year of our lives, because Sophia was born. And while we love her to pieces, and she brings us much joy, there were (and still are) a lot of other things going on that made it difficult to hold on to that joy.

And in a roundabout way, those difficult things are why I decided to stop blogging. This will be my last post. [I'm just sorry that it's a sad one.]

I began this blog back in 2007 because I thought it would be cool to have a blog. Once I got married and moved away, my blog became a place to chronicle the events of my life, and a way for distant loved ones to keep up with what is going on.

But now, so much of what is going on is private. I can't write about any of it.

There is some serious family stuff going on. And that's pretty much all I can say about it.

Art is struggling with some stuff (some of it is related to the family stuff mentioned above), but I can't go into anymore detail.

Then there's some financial stuff we're dealing with, but for the sake of our pride and dignity, I'll just leave it at that.

This year has been one of the toughest we've ever known, and unfortunately, it ended on a low note. [New Year's Eve was good, but we had a pretty un-Merry Christmas, save for a few positive moments. A cashier recently asked me how my holidays were, and all I could do was cringe and say, "I'm glad they're over." And that's the truth.]

Unfortunately, though this year is over, our struggles certainly aren't. We have a long road ahead of us, and sometimes it seems like we'll never get past the point of feeling like our heads are barely above the water. 

I realize that what I've written so far is extremely vague, and that's just it. This blog is supposed to be about my life, but right now my life consists of things that I can't blog about. I guess I could still post about Sophia (she's sleeping much better, by the way, so I guess my life isn't all bad news), but it seems silly to try and maintain Prairie Girl Gone Coastal when everything that is going on with "Prairie Girl" (a.k.a. Me) is completely hidden. It feels...false. Blogging would become a chore, instead of an outlet.   

So rather than trying to come up with something to post about, and continuing to apologize for my lengthy absences, I've decided to just let it go. I'm not deleting it, it will still be here. Anyone can come back and reread my posts if they feel like it. I'm also not going to quit reading blogs, but I will cut back on how many I follow.

So...I guess that's it. I'm grateful for this blog, because it allowed me to make connections with other bloggers out there, whom I may never meet in person, but I still consider them to be my friends. So farewell, friends. Thank you for reading, and for your comments, and I wish all of you all the best in 2012.

Prairie Girl Gone

Sleepless and Discouraged

*Warning: This is not a "Happy Happy Joy Joy" post. If you need more positive vibes in your life, you best move on from here.*

I am absolutely, completely, utterly, and in all other ways exhausted.

Back in September, I started taking steps to improve Sophia's sleep. I put up curtains in her room to make it darker. I set up a small fan for white noise. I implemented a bedtime routine. I made sure to wake her at the same time every morning so that naps and bedtime would be the same every day. Then I finally taught her to fall asleep on her own.

I was seeing improvements. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

But here we are, three months later, and it all seems like a complete waste. She is up at least 6 times every night. She resists sleep and has a hard time falling asleep on her own. She's back to only napping for half an hour. I honestly don't know what happened. She's regressed completely, and I feel like it's even worse than it was in September.

Sleep is all I can think about these days, but I have no idea how to make it happen. I spend every morning trying to snooze a little bit more. I spend my afternoons trying to keep an overtired baby happy. I'm barely functional. My sanity, and the state of our apartment, are slowly deteriorating.

I'm tempted, many times, to just let her scream and cry in her playpen, but I know it won't help. I've actually tried the Cry-It-Out method a couple of times, but it doesn't work. Instead of going to sleep, she works herself into a hysterical frenzy. She hiccups and coughs and can barely catch her breath. She sounds like she's going hoarse. She doesn't actually sleep longer, and when she's awake, she's clingy and fussy. Her playpen becomes a place of fear, instead of a place of rest.

Plus, we have neighbors. On the other side of Sophia's bedroom wall is a nice, young (childless) couple who shouldn't be forced to listen to that process and lose sleep too.

I'm at a loss. I honestly don't know where to go from here, except to beg God every waking moment (of which there are plenty) that He'll miraculously make Sophia sleep better.

A Random List (Because I Am SO Tired)

- Yesterday was Art's birthday. We invited his family and a whole bunch of friends to a new Japanese buffet that opened up here. Art's mom gave Sophia a deep fried squid ring, and Sophia noshed on it the whole evening. Rubbery seafood makes for great teething toys. It also makes everything smell like fish. I guess I'll have to do more baby laundry. Again.

- One of our friends gave Art a gift of homemade cookies. She's in school for engineering, but she should just forget that and open a bakery instead. She's good. So Art begged her for some cookies, and she was happy to comply. And we ate them for breakfast today. Because I'm tired and refused to make breakfast.

- Sophia is consistently up 3 times per night, at basically the same times. Did I mention I'm tired?

- We're listening to a lot of Christmas music these days (thank you, Spotify!), which makes me happy. It also makes me want to put up our Christmas tree, which makes me sad, because we have no place to put it! If we could just sell our TV, then we could put a tiny table in that place, and put the tree on that table. Anybody know anyone in this area who would like to purchase a used-but-in-great-condition flat screen TV?

- Did you know that I hate whip cream? On cakes, pies, on my Oreo milkshake from Jack In The Box.... They usually ask whether you want whip cream and a cherry on your shake, but on Monday they didn't ask me, and I forgot that whip cream on shakes is part of their SOP. My shake wasn't as enjoyable. I lead such a hard life. ;)

- Friends and church ladies keep blessing me with clothes for Sophia. (A woman at church is going to pack a bag full of hand-me-downs from her two daughters.) When our friends Wayne and Sozan showed up at Art's birthday buffet feast, Sozan handed me a long-sleeved shirt and a winter coat for Sophia. I've been fretting about how to dress her warm enough for the cold weather, because winter gear is expensive, even for babies! Another friend gave us a hat and mitts a while back, so all I have to do is find Sophia some warm shoes/boots, and she's all set!

- I love living on the 4th floor in the winter. We barely have to turn on the heat, because the 3 floors beneath us keep us warm enough.

- I'm going to end this list now, because I'm really truly tired. I'm not going to think about all the things I could and should be doing during Sophia's nap. I need a nap myself. Happy Wednesday!